literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Randomize
