guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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