So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
