I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
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he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
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In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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