well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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