She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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