You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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