1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
