Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
