I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
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