dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
