At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I want you more than these girls want KFC
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
