i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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