Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
