Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
