I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
