Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
