The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
