So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
