Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
