what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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