you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
