what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
