I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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