You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
