Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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