just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
