There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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