Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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