She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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