We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He passed out mid-signature
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
