Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
