I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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