I could make wine with my vomit
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
