I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
