His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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