I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
