so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
