I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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