Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
