Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
