there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
