I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
