I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
