i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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