Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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