Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just forgot I was standing up.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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