I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
