FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
