just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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