You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
