I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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