Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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