This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
