he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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