You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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