She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
