So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
