Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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