At least make sure they are 18
Why
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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