Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
