something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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